As I said previously, I don't always like the Christmas season. Holidays in general tend to bring out the worst in me for some reason. In an effort to prevent my husband from hating the holidays, I have tried very hard this year to prevent those emotions from surfacing, but more importantly, to discover why holidays are so hard. Chris tells me that my expectations are too high. I don't think I have expectations, but maybe he's right. Maybe disappointment is at the root of this. As I talked with my friend about Christmas, I heard her saying the same things that always trip me up: "I should... I should have.... We should......" I am a recovering perfectionist. As she spoke those words, I thought of the years where I beat myself up for not doing it right. I get upset with myself because we don't do our devotional tree every day. I get angry because my children care more about what they are getting than about Jesus' birth. I feel like I need to be doing more for those who have less, and when all of those things don't pan out, I feel guilty. And then that guilt for not doing it "right" comes out as anger. And my family looks at me like a one-eyed monster wondering where that is coming from. This year has been better. I determined to enjoy the days instead of look for ways I wasn't meeting some random standard of holiness. I decided that it would be better to do one or two things for others, keeping my radar open for God-ordained opportunities rather than try to plan them myself. It's been better. We are all more relaxed, maybe. God has provided opportunities for us to serve that were just what we needed. I read a book this month where the main characters were discussing expectations verses expectancy. Those words, so similar, have such different connotations. Today in my children there is expectancy. The house is shaking with it as they wait for tomorrow morning. Expectancy is a good, positive thing. Expectations, on the other hand, say to me and to those around me that they need to live up to something. There is a standard that needs to be met. There are consequences for not meeting those expectations. They say that somehow what I think or what I have devised about the future is how it should then be. The religious leaders in Jesus' day had expectations of their Messiah. Those expectations were so ingrained that they missed him, and they continue to miss him. The shepherds, Mary, Joseph, the wise men, although I'm sure they had expectations, lived in expectancy that God was coming to earth, that Messiah was coming as a tiny baby. That's how I want to live--expectantly rather than with expectations. I think that will make the difference in how I view holidays and life. Maybe I won't miss what God is doing. So for Christmas this year, I want expectancy, and I'd like to return expectations. I think I lost the receipt, though.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Expectation
As I said previously, I don't always like the Christmas season. Holidays in general tend to bring out the worst in me for some reason. In an effort to prevent my husband from hating the holidays, I have tried very hard this year to prevent those emotions from surfacing, but more importantly, to discover why holidays are so hard. Chris tells me that my expectations are too high. I don't think I have expectations, but maybe he's right. Maybe disappointment is at the root of this. As I talked with my friend about Christmas, I heard her saying the same things that always trip me up: "I should... I should have.... We should......" I am a recovering perfectionist. As she spoke those words, I thought of the years where I beat myself up for not doing it right. I get upset with myself because we don't do our devotional tree every day. I get angry because my children care more about what they are getting than about Jesus' birth. I feel like I need to be doing more for those who have less, and when all of those things don't pan out, I feel guilty. And then that guilt for not doing it "right" comes out as anger. And my family looks at me like a one-eyed monster wondering where that is coming from. This year has been better. I determined to enjoy the days instead of look for ways I wasn't meeting some random standard of holiness. I decided that it would be better to do one or two things for others, keeping my radar open for God-ordained opportunities rather than try to plan them myself. It's been better. We are all more relaxed, maybe. God has provided opportunities for us to serve that were just what we needed. I read a book this month where the main characters were discussing expectations verses expectancy. Those words, so similar, have such different connotations. Today in my children there is expectancy. The house is shaking with it as they wait for tomorrow morning. Expectancy is a good, positive thing. Expectations, on the other hand, say to me and to those around me that they need to live up to something. There is a standard that needs to be met. There are consequences for not meeting those expectations. They say that somehow what I think or what I have devised about the future is how it should then be. The religious leaders in Jesus' day had expectations of their Messiah. Those expectations were so ingrained that they missed him, and they continue to miss him. The shepherds, Mary, Joseph, the wise men, although I'm sure they had expectations, lived in expectancy that God was coming to earth, that Messiah was coming as a tiny baby. That's how I want to live--expectantly rather than with expectations. I think that will make the difference in how I view holidays and life. Maybe I won't miss what God is doing. So for Christmas this year, I want expectancy, and I'd like to return expectations. I think I lost the receipt, though.
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5 comments:
Hope your day today was blessed! And I love the idea of expectations vs. expectancy. What was the title of the book?
all I can add is AMEN! to your blog. I think you described what many of us feel. God bless you all in a very special way!
The book was The Shack. I hate to recommend it, but that part was good.
Hmmm, I read The Shack, but don't remember that part. I guess I was too busy wishing the author had worked out his issues in a less public way...
Thanks for sharing this, Paula. I am convinced that we, as a society, have truly blown Christmas expectations out of proportion. Now my expectations are simple and few. If my expectations are low, my blessings are usually high!
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