When I graduated from high school I knew what I wanted to do. I was headed to college to pursue a degree in English and Secondary Education and marry my sweetheart. That was the plan.
College was fun and useful. I learned a lot and enjoyed my experiences in the classroom. I was also married and, at the end, expecting. Upon college graduation I knew exactly what I wanted to do--be a momma to my sweet little baby boy.
Although I'd rank the whole mommy experience as, by far, the most difficult and demanding thing I'd ever done, I knew that it was exactly what I was supposed to do. Thankfully Chris supported that decision and had a job that would enable me to be home. There were times when I railed against staying home and desired the glamor of a "real" job. I would volunteer for more than I could handle or accept a position that I thought would fulfill that desire, but God patiently waited for me to fall on my face and then would direct me back home where I needed to be.
Now, however, my sweet little boys aren't so little anymore.
They are growing and leaving. They don't need me like they used to. I find myself thinking, "what's next" a lot lately--probably to the point of obsessing. I enjoyed subbing long term this year. I felt that I could handle that and home, but I didn't have to do the planning or the grading. My very conscientious friend had done all the hard work for me. I just had to show up and enjoy the classes. Am I afraid of the work load of a high school English teacher? YES! Grading 120 research papers is no picnic. But I love the students and cherished building relationships with them. I also enjoyed using parts of my brain that I haven't visited for a while. I know myself though and would quickly become consumed with it to the detriment of my family and relationships. I certainly need to learn how to leave work at work. I spent most of my free time thinking about the last classes, and I was only the sub! So is that the plan? Should I pursue this? I don't know. Maybe. But maybe not.
Next time I'll obsess a little more :)