What to do?

As a child I thought I knew what I wanted to do.  My mom and grandma were both teachers, and I really liked writing on the chalkboard, so if someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said, "a teacher."  I have had some excellent teachers in my life, and I especially loved my English and band teachers.  Although band was my life, I settled on English.  I liked it, I was pretty good at it, and I loved to read.

When I graduated from high school I knew what I wanted to do.  I was headed to college to pursue a degree in English and Secondary Education and marry my sweetheart.  That was the plan. 

College was fun and useful.  I learned a lot and enjoyed my experiences in the classroom.  I was also married and, at the end, expecting.  Upon college graduation I knew exactly what I wanted to do--be a momma to my sweet little baby boy.

 

 

 There was no doubt in my mind.  That's what I was made for, and that was God's plan for me.  Then I become the momma of some more sweet little boys.

  Although I'd rank the whole mommy experience as, by far, the most difficult and demanding thing I'd ever done, I knew that it was exactly what I was supposed to do.  Thankfully Chris supported that decision and had a job that would enable me to be home.  There were times when I railed against staying home and desired the glamor of a "real" job.  I would volunteer for more than I could handle or accept a position that I thought would fulfill that desire, but God patiently waited for me to fall on my face and then would direct me back home where I needed to be. 
Now, however, my sweet little boys aren't so little anymore.

  They are growing and leaving.  They don't need me like they used to.  I find myself thinking, "what's next" a lot lately--probably to the point of obsessing.  I enjoyed subbing long term this year.  I felt that I could handle that and home, but I didn't have to do the planning or the grading.  My very conscientious friend had done all the hard work for me.  I just had to show up and enjoy the classes.  Am I afraid of the work load of a high school English teacher?  YES! Grading 120 research papers is no picnic. But I love the students and cherished building relationships with them.  I also enjoyed using parts of my brain that I haven't visited for a while.  I know myself though and would quickly become consumed with it to the detriment of my family and relationships. I certainly need to learn how to leave work at work.  I spent most of my free time thinking about the last classes, and I was only the sub!  So is that the plan?  Should I pursue this?  I don't know.  Maybe.  But maybe not. 

Next time I'll obsess a little more :)